when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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