That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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