All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
