i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
