The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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