Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
