I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
