she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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