Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
