The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
