you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
