I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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