oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
