Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
