just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
