My hand turned me down
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
