Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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