McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
