Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
