I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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