im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
