I murdered the dance floor call the cops
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
