the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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