You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
