I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
