my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
