I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
