Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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