Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
