She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She bit a glass in half.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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