I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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