your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
