Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
