I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
