guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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