my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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