i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
