The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
