I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
What happened to fro yo and sex?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Floor bacon is actually really good
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
