i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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