meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
