You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
