I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
