My cat gives me a boner
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
