your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
