My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
