Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
