"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
