I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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