K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
