i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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